My heart is so heavy...
Last week, my mother was approved for the VA Center in Sulphur, Oklahoma. She has Alzheimer's and I've been her full-time caretaker for three years and a month. Her whole world was me and my total focus was her.
Recently, her physician told me to be proactive on getting her a place to live with a quality medical staff. He said if she fell again, she would more than likely break a bone. Once she breaks a bone, she will be put into the hospital, then a nursing home. If she is in a nursing home, she will never come home again. So....by being proactive, we selected the home that we wanted instead of being forced to use one of lesser quality. The VA home has state-of-the-art equipment and an amazing and caring staff.
She moved in on Wednesday. I told her we were going to see the doctor about her legs and hips (because they hurt so much). By 12 noon, she said she had been living there since WWII. The transition was very smooth and confirmed the need for medically assisted living. She was so tired from the day, she slept very well all night.
Thursday, I was running late so when I walked in, she was already eating lunch. She was holding herself up beautifully and minding her manners. She said hello and kept eating as if I was just another person in the facility. My heart sank. Even though she hasn't known me as a daughter for around two years, now she didn't even recognize me as the one who took care of her for three years. Our history, in her mind, is totally lost...
I've now turned to what's left in my own life. My husband, so patiently, stood by my side as I cared for my mother. We made plans to build a new house in the country ....and, although I'm elated to get started on our new life, I'll be living with the sadness in my heart for a while. He can see it in my eyes and I can't stop the crying when the sadness overwhelms.
On Friday, He took me up to the hill where we'll be living and I enjoyed the entire day out in the woods. It was quiet and serene. I enjoyed watching him run the dozer to clear out the trees. I waited by the fire pit we created on our first camping adventure there. It was warm outside, but I built a fire anyway. We had a picnic and relocated a cactus. We didn't want all of them to get dozed over. We found out Prickly Pear (the cactus) will shoot tiny splinters when it feels threatened. We laughed so hard as we pulled them out of our arms, hands and even Jim's mouth and tongue... a funny new memory.
I missed my Peptalk all week, so I'll be starting up again today. I so need to hear reasons to move on. Of course, I'll go every week to see mom, but it's time to move on with my life and live it to the fullest. I have so much to be grateful for and a new life is waiting for me up on the hill out in the country.
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